⚔️ DΛЯK TЯΛILS ИΘT TΛKΣИ ⚔️

Last year my heart almost gave up on me. It was a result of a long term bad choices upon bad choices sparkled with some horrible choices and with a rotting cherry of self-loathing and pure wish for self destruction on top. Road to the abyss was well paved, or so I thought…

When I woke up in those early hours of September, thinking that one of my lungs had stopped working, I felt the most crippling grip of cold fear embracing my heart. I thought I had felt fear before but boy was I wrong! It truly paralizes every cell in your body. Your mind is in a panic mode, all the lights are blinking and sirens are on, yet you are unable to phisycally react. It is pure torture, or so I thought…

This summer a new low finally caught up with me. I never truly loved myself. To be honest, I have despised my worthless and wretched existence ever since I can remember. I have tried countless times to put on a brave face and pull through. Most of the time I have even succeeded or at least managed to get by. Other times I have failed miserably and been reprimanding myself ever since.

I tried to mask my pain and self hatred. Getting good education by convincing my parents to invest in me. Trying to be a good son and brother, yet mainly failing of course. Trying to find a job I love, yet being complete crap at it because I spent majority of my time despising myself thinking it doesn’t shine through. Even getting some hobbies to seem human. Anything and everything to occupy my mind with something other than self-loathing.

But it still wasn’t enough! This year the dark tides collided and the cup of my nonexistent self-esteem ran over. I truly found myself staring into a dark abyss without any strength left to hold back from falling in. I just couldn’t see the reason to keep on dragging on this meaningless wasting of time.

At that moment when I realised that I have ran out of strength to fight on I realised that the fear I felt last year was nothing compared to the true horror that swept over me at that moment. You want to know what is more scary than not being able to control your body? Losing ability to affect your mind! Once you become a backseat passanger on your own ride to hell without a say so or even a chance to say “STOP!” that is when you truly are afraid for what will come next.

Most horrifying part about all of this was the realisation that I am truly and utterly not in control of myself – both physically and mentally. I have become an observer – a witness to the events I was not accepting could happen eventually. Yet, now that the reality of them taking place was here, I had to accept them. And I did …

After a while my body and mind regained their mutual cooperation and I was let back into the control room. The shocking part of it all was in the fact that once back at it I was still unable to understand what had happened and what am I supposed to do now? Ought I forget about it, but that would be impossible without some sort of a full system wipe. Therefore I have only one option left – follow through what ever comes next.

What came next was realisation that I will not hang on long were I to continue on the same path. Ever since my childhood I have been taught not to show emotion. “Men don’t cry!” I’ve been taught to lock it all up inside of myself and push through with gritted teeth. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” they said …

Well, turns out it might bloody well kill you! Once the cup runs over, it doesn’t take a lot to drown in the sea of sorrow and despair that you have been trying to bottle up inside of you. I know now that there is no chance for me to turn back the time. I will no undo what has happened – it is impossible! Yet, if I recognise my weakness and try to apply myself to bettering my mental health I might just narrowly escape feeling that fear again.

And if there is one thing I have learned from this ordeal – I do not want to feel this fear ever again!